Dear reader,

I am, or was, a verocious reader.

I have not got half way through a book since starting work in January; low pay retail nonsense, the real culprit being a three month stint in Primark, on a customer service desk.
I needed the job desperately, and so I took it, at £5.62 an hour and very low self esteem. I hated the uniform, the whole white shirt black trousers debacle, which made me feel out of placeand heightened my anxiety problems to the point I had to cry every lunch time. The worst part of all this, where they stuck me, was the customer service desk.

Some of those people who come return things are looking for nothing more than to abuse someone in a position in which they cannot possibly defend themselves. It is my honest to God opinion that society never looks bleaker than when viewed from behing a till bank.

I am of slightly above average intelligence. The customers that abused me were not; they were far far below. Some members of staff I considered bullies. Though we must take into account at this point that I am an extremely sensitive soul and what merely riles other people up slowly crushes me until I walk out of my job and never come back.

When I left Primark I was already teatering right on the edge of some minor nervous breakdown, having been yelled at, called stupid and had eyes rolled at me for too long. But it really comes to something when a customer physically abuses you; all FUCKS and BITCH, and throwing clothes and hangers at you over such a trivial thing as not being allowed to change in the children's changing room.

It makes it worse when managers are watching from afar, sniggering, with no intention of telling said bitch to move her low class behind out of the store.

This here, the walking out mid shift shaking with rage and embarrassment, is where I started to feel really afraid.

How many of us act like that to staff? And how many of us consider what problems that member of staff might be having?

I was immediatly employed by a call centre for Tesco in Cardiff; wonderful staff (on the whole) better pay, better treatment and easier work. My mood lifted; I felt secure and enjoyed going to work every day. Not the getting up and leaving for work, but the task at hand.

Eventually though, you realise that whether they are right in front of you on a counter being rude or even aggressive, or whether they are on the phone asking you the most ridiculous questions (people are so lazy, so uninformed) customers are made up of about 95% horrible people. They can't be bothered to be polite, they too are out to abuse someone down the phone, someone they don't even know and don't give a shit about.

I'm a customer, and I'm a nice cutomer. I stick to company policies about returns and don't kick up a stink if my receipt is out of date. I don't call Abbey National call centres and abuse that person on the end of the phone because Abbey have made grave errors with my account that affect every aspect of my life...because it isn't THEIR fault.

What scares me is how rude people are, how they simply don't give a flying fuck about anybody anymore.

The other day at work when I came in after two days sick still feeling absolutely awful, I had become a beat up sack for all those miserable people calling first thing in the morning, in a bad mood, just wanting to patronise and belittle me.

And I realised that by now I just feel dehumanised. I feel awful. I started crying then, uncontrollably, until I got sent home.

I have suffered serious depression in the past, with half hearted attempts to end my own life and extreme self abuse, and I can feel it coming again.

If only people were nice to one another, that would be all it takes.

When I'm in work I work hard. I take hundreds of calls a day and I meet all my objectives and I really try to always get everything sorted out for every customer, no matter how abusive and mean they are. But it really hurts to be treated like shit after every beep allerting me with a new call coming through.

I think then about all the attacks that happen; what sticks in my mind is the attack on the goth recently, where she was kicked to death by a group of stranger and maniacs, for no reason. It terrifies me. Like the world is going mad, and everyone is pumped full of pure hate and aggression and selfishness.

I write about this now as the only book I have read recently is Jack Ketchem - The Girl Next Door, and his authors note discussed what scares him most, and the people who scare him most are the Ted Bundys of the world, and what scares him pisses him off too.

I'm pissed off.I'm pissed off that people can't just be polite to one another, it pisses me off that people attack and kill and rape strangers, because they just don't give a fuck about that person.

I wish I could change the worl in just that one way. Those goups of teenagers who hang around on corners or outside shops, just being threatning and shouting degrading remarks at passers by. The kind of remarks that leave me crushed when I felt so good ten minutes ago. Why are people like this now? And can't anybody do anything about it? At all?

I would ask that anyone who falls upon this blog would please, please just be nice to the people who serve you in stores, or in call centres, or just anywhere. I just like imagining a day at work where everyone is polite and kind and patient, and realise that we wouldn't be doing those jobs unless we absolutely had to, and some of us are pretty depressed about it too.

This was a cheesy blog, the next one won't be, please read the next one.

I also highly reccommened The Girl Next Door by Jack Ketchem. I never read a horror book before as I am a literary snob, but it was just really gripping and I loved his writing style, and the techniques he used to stop it from becoming gorenography/toture porn. Unsettling, twas.

Russel Brand's podcast was excelent as usual this week and I'll be updating a nice light hearted TV blog in a few days.

Thanks if you read this,
do add me.

Amii